If you were a spy ......

I've been wondering, and I'm not entirely sure why but I've learnt never to question these things - if I was a spy what kind of spy would I be.

I feel I could be French, not that I speak the lingo mind you, but as I can trace my family back to 1480 something I reckon I could pass muster. My name could be something mysterious and exciting....Coco, Isabella, Eve (pronounced Ev - again not sure why?!)

I would definately wear a beige macintosh with perhaps a jaunty red beret to match my red lipstick for which I am renowned throughout the world.

With muttered passwords of "the pigeon flies East to Birmingham" and meetings on station platforms, me holding a 2007 diary and a red carnation - the messenger/messagee carrying a financial times and a snickers, the steam from the trains engines clouding round our ankles...a lot like the movies of days gone by (and yes I am aware that those kind of trains don't really operate anymore but go with me on this).

I'm not sure what kind of messages I would be passing, nor whom I would be passing them to, but I feel they would be very important and could bring about world peace, an end to all human suffering, or merely learning what the next big thing for kids at christmas is going to be!

I've obviously been thinking about this quite a lot, anything really to get out of doing hubbies vat return, but it does beg the question if we could walk a day in someone elses shoes, who's shoes would you choose. Would you choose to be daring, exciting, talented, beautiful, arty or caring. I think I'd like to be all of these things and more.

Right where did I put that invisible ink? Ah here it ............

Crop tops and dish cloths

Following on from my Tena Lady incident I felt duty bound to share with you, dear reader, some of my other 'mishaps' from days gone by.

Cast your minds back to the 80's when day-glo orange leg warmers and leotards with pixie boots were all the rage (no, just me then!). I was training in hotel management and working in the kitchens of a very swanky hotel. I, with a regularity that Quartz would be proud of, would set fire to my chef's hat, tea towel, apron, etc etc - you sense the theme and became quite practiced at evacuating the hotel whilst awaiting the fire engine. I always rather liked a man in uniform - handy really.

This particular day I was at home, cooking, wearing a very fetching peach crop top and cut off denim shorts (nice look) and leaning over mums 4 ring electric cooker to check if the beans were done (there really was no end to my culinary talents!) set myself on fire. I say me, it was actually my top.

With the practiced speed of a seasoned pro I swept into action and yelled "fire fire fire". Mum came running and yelled "water".....at this point a normal, sensible person would go to the kitchen sink but not I - I have a greater mind than many can possibly imagine. I grabbed the damp blue jay cloth sitting on the worktop and dabbed at the flames now licking up my crop top (making it very much more cropped than originally designed) whilst uttering such classics as "ooo ooo" and "hot hot". With mutterings of "idiot" mum ran to the kitchen sink, grabbed the washing up bowl and flung the contents at me. I, seeing saucepans, plates, cutlery etc hurtling through the air ducked and turned to see my dad getting hit in the face with everything as he'd run to my rescue. Eventually the flames ran out of crop top to burn and I was left with slightly singed eyebrows, my dad recovered from his soaking and mum invested in a fire extinguisher!.

Tena Lady and Tesco's

For those of you that don't know me let me paint you a picture. I wish I was elegant, graceful, ladylike, tall, blonde, slender, a perfect housewife, creative, and good with my hands. What I actually am is short, dark, round, clumsy and ever so slightly kooky. You see 'stuff' happens to me. Take Thursday for instance.

I guess I should set up the scene. I suffer from hay fever. I also suffer from slackened 'down below' muscles after having 2 children, nothing unusual there I hear you cry. No jumping on trampolines for me and certainly during hay fever season one sneeze too many and it's simply impossible to clench and sneeze at the same time - have you ever tried it? I got fed up getting damp so mum suggested Tena Lady.

Thursday I had an appointment at the dentist followed by a visit to Tesco's followed by a visit to my mums. When I left the house my tena lady was 'in situ' as it were. When I arrived at my mums it was missing! I checked my trouser legs, I checked the car, I even checked down my pop sock but nope, nada, nothing - GONE!

This means that either upon leaving my dentists or in aisle 4 of Tesco's my tena lady has come out of my trouser leg and deposited itself on the floor. Supposing someone saw it slide, how do you tap them on the shoulder and say "excuse me I think you've dropped something", it's not like a chewing gum wrapper. Did folk step over it, did it get stuck to someones trolley wheel - all these things have been keeping me awake since then.

I phoned my auntie, who also used to suffer from 'damp' problems - we don't have a single photo of her in her 50's where she's not laughing and crossing her legs. After nearly having an asthma attack laughing at my predicament she told me that a) I would never be graceful and elegant - ladies who are would have had the operation to tighten said area and b) I should buy knickers with a wider gusset and tuck my trousers into my socks.

So there it is, just a simple day (my birthday actually) in my life. I told you STUFF happens.