Facing my past

Rick Warren (author) once wrote "we are a product of our past but we don't have to be prisoners of it". I think this is very true.

I know I am who I am today because of my upbringing and experiences and that I have been influenced by those who surround me.

For example I know to buy bigger gussett knickers so my tena lady don't drop off in Tesco (see earlier blog!) and I know that when a date went horribly wrong in my youth and the boy tried to rape me that it's only natural to feel the way I do about it.

Whew, that feels better. It's not something I've shared with anyone really. Just close family. It's only something I've admitted to myself in the last year. I always used to call it "my close shave" or "my lucky escape" - I never EVER used the term attempted rape, NEVER - until now, some 19 years later.

A few years ago I was reading a newspaper article featuring an excerpt from Ulrika Johnsons autobiography, as many thousands of people would have done I suppose. I remember sitting at the dining room table and just shaking. She was describing a certain night in a hotel room and WHAM it hit me. My close shave or lucky escape had similarities to her experience. My husband came through and I think I must have been white as a sheet and asked me what was wrong - and I told him, just like that - the first person to hear about it since it had happened over a decade before. Not in detail, just that I'd had something similar. He hugged me but I'm not sure the full implications of what I'd said sunk in, or perhaps because I'd not told him details it wasn't real, but if felt so much better just to say it out loud.

I had a friend coming to stay as well that weekend, who knew me at the time it happened, and I told her, again no details, just that the date had gone wrong and he'd tried to take what was not freely offered. And I told my mum. Again, sense the theme, no details just a date gone wrong. I was still, in my mind, calling it "my lucky escape" - after all he didn't rape me. I made the excuse nothing really happened. But it had. Something had happened. He frightened me, he threatened me, he used force & when consent was not forthcoming he tried to take what he wanted anyway.

And then came the tv programme Army Wives. I'd sky +'d it and was watching it on my own while hubby was working on the computer. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't prepared for it but all of a sudden what had happened to me was being played out on the tv screen in almost identical detail. It happened so quickly and looked so violent and most importantly for me, they called it what it was - attempted rape. I was absolutely stunned and felt sick. I called hubby through and asked him to sit with me and watch something, and then I replayed that scene. When it ended I paused the programme and said "that's what happened to me". I asked him whether what he'd seen on the programme was how he'd imagined it. It wasn't. He hadn't realised it was as physical or as violent. And then he hugged me.

I go months and months without thinking about it. But then bam, I see something, I read something and I'm back there in that room, scrabbling about on the floor trying to get him off me.

I am a very positive person. I am a very trusting person and I acknowledge that I am quite naive. I know that and I'm ok with that - I like me!. But that night changed me. Acknowledging what happened to me has changed me. I always, always, ALWAYS trust my instincts now - and I always act on them. That night I knew something wasn't right but I didn't listen and came so close to paying a very hefty price.

I am lucky. I'm certainly not the only one to have ever gone through this. I'm not a victim. I am a product of my past, but I am not a prisoner of it and that's the way it should be.

Now about those wide gussett knickers :0)

Life Work Balance

How many of us actually ask ourselves "have I got the balance right?"

In writing a piece today for the Women's Rural Institute magazine I have been forced to acknowledge that in no way have I got my balance right and I really need to do something about it.....but what?

Have you ever written down all the things you do in a day/week/month/year. I never have, I just plod along doing them, quite happy. I wrote them down today and took a good long look at my life.

Like many people the recession has hit our family hard and I need to work but what writing that piece has shown me is work and the pursuit of a paycheck to keep the roof over our heads is taking over my life and it's not enough anymore. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE!

This is my current list of jobs:-

1. Part time fundraising administrator for an international charity.
2. Part time associate estate agent for international real estate company.
3. Administrator for my husbands hot air balloon company including accounts/vat returns etc
4. Web designer
5. Hubby and I are re-starting our promotional clothing company, which will mean designing the website, doing the admin etc

Over and above all of these, together with my mum, I organise local events every now and then including beauty nights, presentations on colour and image and our annual christmas wreath making party. I also attend demonstrations with mum (she does the christmas wreaths and I do the present wrapping) for local rural groups.

Over and above all of this I do the housework, the washing and the ironing. I sit with my boys and do their homework with them. I make pack lunches and I very occasionally hoover out the car!

Don't get me wrong it's not that I think I do any more than the next person but can you imagine if this was ALL my life was about. None of this is full time. None of this is a career. None of this brings me financial riches beyond my wildest dreams and none of this defines me. But combined this is what my life is at present. Where is the fun. Where is the me time. Where am I in all this?

So here's the plan. I've already made the decision that this is my year of YES. I am going to say YES to opportunities that come my way but am going to make sure they fulfil me and I am going to make sure that the work I am currently doing is more organised and that my time is better used.

My first move was to leave a full time job I hated and take the position of part time fundraising administrator for the international charity. I love this job. I work from home with hours that I can suit around my life. I am able to put the children on the school bus and be here when they come home. I am passionate about the organisation and it's work and am finding an enthusiasm for the sector I am now working in. THIS IS GOOD. This shall stay!

SO - I've worked out a little timetable for myself. It may seem regimented, it may seem boring even and repetative but what looking at how I organise myself has shown me is that I spend a great deal of time putting off jobs I hate doing or spending too long on things I shouldn't. I'm wasting pockets of the day that could be put to better use and am losing out on valuable family and me time.

So here it is, my plan for a month. I shall keep you posted on how it's going:-

Monday - Friday

6.30am Get up and do a bundle of washing. Get washed and dressed

7.00-8.45am Get boys up, dressed, breakfasted (we chat while we're eating, it's our one to one time and I love it) and on the school bus

8.45-9.00am Load the dishwasher & put on a bundle of washing

9.00-10.00am Housework

10.00-11.00am ME TIME Go for a walk, exercise dvd, yoga

11.00am-15.00pm Fundraising Administrator Role

15.00-16.00 Admin/accounts/Filing for hubby

16.00-17.00 Homework with the boys

17.00-18.00 Dinner prep & sit down with the family

18.00-19.00 Clear up from dinner, make packed lunches, quick tidy round

19.00-19.30 Bath time & story for boys (not hubby!)

19.30 - 20.30 Any website work that needs doing & if none max 1 hour of estate agency paperwork as required

20.30 onwards ME TIME. Read a book, watch tv, paint my nails, switch off computer & enjoy

SATURDAYS
Estate Agency work when required or Family time

SUNDAYS
Estate Agency work when required or Family time

So there it is, my plan. It's still too full but it is at least all flexible. The estate agency work comes and goes dependant on the market and the admin work is flexible hours to suit but if I make this the rule then if an exception comes along there's no drama, no great backlog of work and I am at least making a concerted effort to take time out for myself.....

So here goes......wish me luck!

This is the year of ......YES

I've decided that 2010 is going to be my year of saying "YES"

YES ONE
My epiphany came at the end of 2009 when I was invited, along with mum, to join a group of ladies called the "Loose Women". They are a local group who meet regularly for dinner, dips, pamper nights etc & I was delighted to be invited to join. This was my first YES and it has brought me a tremendous amount of pleasure. The ladies are fun, friendly and have welcomed us into the group with open arms. I have found laughter and friendship (not to mention a social life!) within this group and am so pleased I said YES.

YES TWO
My second YES came in the form of a job offer. I was working, rather unhappily, at the Job Centre when the offer came in last August. I'd only just started and felt I should give it a real go but by Christmas found myself working too hard and desperately unhappy. I emailed to see if the job was still going and it was! On paper it was less hours, less money and less potential for a career however I took the plunge and started on the 4th Jan 2010 and it was the best decision I could have ever made.

I work from home so am here for the boys whenever they need me. I love my job and am learning an enthusiasm and excitement for the subject I never knew could be there. Financially it has turned out I'm earning more than I was at the job centre, simply because I don't have the travelling, the lunches to buy, the wee trips to the shops after work. AND it has led me to meet interesting, kind and thoughtful people I would never have had the opportunity to meet before. I am so grateful for the opportunity and so glad I said YES.

YES THREE
My brother and sister in law visited mum and dad over the valentines weekend and mum invited us to join them at Largs (the seaside!) on the Saturday for fish and chips. I had a sore back, I'd got piles of washing to do, the house was a mess and we had no money so I initially said no but remembring my decision to say YES I changed my mind. It was a beautiful drive up to the coast with the boys happy and giggling in the back of the car & quality time spent with my husband. The weather was beautiful and the boys played skimmers on the shore as the family walked along the promenade enjoying each others company. We had fish and chips at Nardinis and took a boat trip out to Milport, a journey that will remain with me always as one of the best days of my life. I am once again so glad that I said YES.

AND SO...
It's only February and so far 3 things I would possibly have said no to have led to wonderful experiences. I've decided that when opportunities are gifted to me someone somewhere has a plan and to say no is to turn away that gift. So who knows what this year holds in store...I do know that it will involve the word YES though!