This is getting ridiculous......

It's happened again! I've lost another one!

It's mothers day. There's been a lot of bouncing about with the children, I get excited about Dancing on Ice and so I thought I'd take the mature approach and like every good scout "be prepared".

It's been perfectly nestled all day. The wider gussett undies were in place. I was in trousers (admittedly they were the wide leg variety but really, I've come up to go to bed and it's gone) Now I know it was in situ when Dancing on Ice was on. I've watched Larkrise to Candleford and it was in then. I then went and did a bit of RE/MAX work online, walked through to the kitchen, turned off all the lights and have come upstairs. It was where it should be when I entered the bedroom. I bent over to pick up hubbies clothes - I mean everyone knows the floor is where you hang your garments! - and when I stood up it had gone/vanished/disappeared!


Where the bloody hell can it have got to. They are not exactly small or subtle - it's rather like wrapping your nether regions in a duvet so you'd think I'd feel it going....it can't have shot anywhere. I've retraced my steps thinking it might have dislodged and fell but nope, I've checked my trouser legs - nope, I even checked my t-shirt to see if it had ridden up the waistband of my trousers and was stuck to the top but nope. I've checked the wardrobe where I flicked my shoes off to see if it flicked off too but nope. It's not stuck to my back, the carpet, the wall, my clothing, the floor, the stairs or anywhere! It is nowhere to be seen.

As funny as it is, and even I can see the funny side, I feel like I'm going ever so slightly mad.

I'm thinking of putting up a wanted poster - this is what it shall say:-

WANTED 1 PAIR OF BICYCLE CLIPS, MUST BE TIGHT FIT SUITABLE FOR ANY TROUSER LEG.....

that'd keep the bugger in!

When I grow up.......

I think the Pussycat Dolls sang "when I grow up I wanna be......."

But I wonder how many of us are doing what we imagined ourselves doing as adults, when we were kids?

If our younger selves met us today would they be proud, would they think we'd sold out, would they think "what a waste". I mean REALLY who imagines themselves being a...I don't know, waitress, barmaid, office worker, dustman, someone who counts bricks, accountant.

Where are all the exciting jobs? Who's doing them? Are we?

Just today the following jobs are advertised in my area with the job centre :-

Youth Worker, Account Manager, Advertising Sales Exec, Air Conditioning Engineer, Avon Representative, Bricklayer, Audit Specialist, Care Worker, Cleaner, Deep Cleaner (not sure if this is deep underwater/underground or if you have to just be really thorough?!)

I mean these are all good jobs. They pay the bills. They don't sound too horrendous - BUT - I bet not a single one of them would have featured in our childhood ambitions. Where are the astronauts, doctors, actors, rock stars.....IMAGINE a job advert WANTED...ONE ROCK STAR...MUST HAVE OWN LEATHER TROUSERS!

When I was very young I wanted to be a prima ballerina. When I got a little older I wanted to be a nurse and a mum. NOW...well I'm an Estate Agent and an Administrator. I had the opportunity to go to stage school as I was a talented dancer. NOW I can barely touch my toes and haven't been on a stage in years.

My husband wanted to be in a band. NOW he's a hot air balloon pilot. Ok that is actually quite windswept and interesting and I know I've blown my argument out of the water here.

But I urge you...look back at your younger self...what did you want to be when you grew up - are you doing it? I don't know any astronauts but I knew a lot of boys at school that wanted to be one. I don't know any train drivers, again I knew a lot of boys at school that wanted to be one.

I asked my children what they would like to be when they grow up and it was fascinating to hear what they came up with - I HOPE they get the lives they dream of. I HOPE they fulfil their own potential and I HOPE they don't end up doing something mundane, simply to pay the bills, when they could have reached for the stars.

& what do they want to be? My eldest (12) wants to be an actor, a director, a formula one racing driver and a rock star - but says he'd also like to learn a trade as he hears me wittering on about "you'll always need a plumber!" My youngest (5) wants to fly balloons like his daddy and be a rock star. Quite frankly I'd be delighted if they achieved any of those things....who wouldn't, they sound exciting. Neither of them can see why they can't be all of those things at the same time, seems fair enough to me - GO FOR IT...WHY NOT.

Facing my past

Rick Warren (author) once wrote "we are a product of our past but we don't have to be prisoners of it". I think this is very true.

I know I am who I am today because of my upbringing and experiences and that I have been influenced by those who surround me.

For example I know to buy bigger gussett knickers so my tena lady don't drop off in Tesco (see earlier blog!) and I know that when a date went horribly wrong in my youth and the boy tried to rape me that it's only natural to feel the way I do about it.

Whew, that feels better. It's not something I've shared with anyone really. Just close family. It's only something I've admitted to myself in the last year. I always used to call it "my close shave" or "my lucky escape" - I never EVER used the term attempted rape, NEVER - until now, some 19 years later.

A few years ago I was reading a newspaper article featuring an excerpt from Ulrika Johnsons autobiography, as many thousands of people would have done I suppose. I remember sitting at the dining room table and just shaking. She was describing a certain night in a hotel room and WHAM it hit me. My close shave or lucky escape had similarities to her experience. My husband came through and I think I must have been white as a sheet and asked me what was wrong - and I told him, just like that - the first person to hear about it since it had happened over a decade before. Not in detail, just that I'd had something similar. He hugged me but I'm not sure the full implications of what I'd said sunk in, or perhaps because I'd not told him details it wasn't real, but if felt so much better just to say it out loud.

I had a friend coming to stay as well that weekend, who knew me at the time it happened, and I told her, again no details, just that the date had gone wrong and he'd tried to take what was not freely offered. And I told my mum. Again, sense the theme, no details just a date gone wrong. I was still, in my mind, calling it "my lucky escape" - after all he didn't rape me. I made the excuse nothing really happened. But it had. Something had happened. He frightened me, he threatened me, he used force & when consent was not forthcoming he tried to take what he wanted anyway.

And then came the tv programme Army Wives. I'd sky +'d it and was watching it on my own while hubby was working on the computer. I wasn't expecting it, I wasn't prepared for it but all of a sudden what had happened to me was being played out on the tv screen in almost identical detail. It happened so quickly and looked so violent and most importantly for me, they called it what it was - attempted rape. I was absolutely stunned and felt sick. I called hubby through and asked him to sit with me and watch something, and then I replayed that scene. When it ended I paused the programme and said "that's what happened to me". I asked him whether what he'd seen on the programme was how he'd imagined it. It wasn't. He hadn't realised it was as physical or as violent. And then he hugged me.

I go months and months without thinking about it. But then bam, I see something, I read something and I'm back there in that room, scrabbling about on the floor trying to get him off me.

I am a very positive person. I am a very trusting person and I acknowledge that I am quite naive. I know that and I'm ok with that - I like me!. But that night changed me. Acknowledging what happened to me has changed me. I always, always, ALWAYS trust my instincts now - and I always act on them. That night I knew something wasn't right but I didn't listen and came so close to paying a very hefty price.

I am lucky. I'm certainly not the only one to have ever gone through this. I'm not a victim. I am a product of my past, but I am not a prisoner of it and that's the way it should be.

Now about those wide gussett knickers :0)

Life Work Balance

How many of us actually ask ourselves "have I got the balance right?"

In writing a piece today for the Women's Rural Institute magazine I have been forced to acknowledge that in no way have I got my balance right and I really need to do something about it.....but what?

Have you ever written down all the things you do in a day/week/month/year. I never have, I just plod along doing them, quite happy. I wrote them down today and took a good long look at my life.

Like many people the recession has hit our family hard and I need to work but what writing that piece has shown me is work and the pursuit of a paycheck to keep the roof over our heads is taking over my life and it's not enough anymore. I AM TAKING BACK MY LIFE!

This is my current list of jobs:-

1. Part time fundraising administrator for an international charity.
2. Part time associate estate agent for international real estate company.
3. Administrator for my husbands hot air balloon company including accounts/vat returns etc
4. Web designer
5. Hubby and I are re-starting our promotional clothing company, which will mean designing the website, doing the admin etc

Over and above all of these, together with my mum, I organise local events every now and then including beauty nights, presentations on colour and image and our annual christmas wreath making party. I also attend demonstrations with mum (she does the christmas wreaths and I do the present wrapping) for local rural groups.

Over and above all of this I do the housework, the washing and the ironing. I sit with my boys and do their homework with them. I make pack lunches and I very occasionally hoover out the car!

Don't get me wrong it's not that I think I do any more than the next person but can you imagine if this was ALL my life was about. None of this is full time. None of this is a career. None of this brings me financial riches beyond my wildest dreams and none of this defines me. But combined this is what my life is at present. Where is the fun. Where is the me time. Where am I in all this?

So here's the plan. I've already made the decision that this is my year of YES. I am going to say YES to opportunities that come my way but am going to make sure they fulfil me and I am going to make sure that the work I am currently doing is more organised and that my time is better used.

My first move was to leave a full time job I hated and take the position of part time fundraising administrator for the international charity. I love this job. I work from home with hours that I can suit around my life. I am able to put the children on the school bus and be here when they come home. I am passionate about the organisation and it's work and am finding an enthusiasm for the sector I am now working in. THIS IS GOOD. This shall stay!

SO - I've worked out a little timetable for myself. It may seem regimented, it may seem boring even and repetative but what looking at how I organise myself has shown me is that I spend a great deal of time putting off jobs I hate doing or spending too long on things I shouldn't. I'm wasting pockets of the day that could be put to better use and am losing out on valuable family and me time.

So here it is, my plan for a month. I shall keep you posted on how it's going:-

Monday - Friday

6.30am Get up and do a bundle of washing. Get washed and dressed

7.00-8.45am Get boys up, dressed, breakfasted (we chat while we're eating, it's our one to one time and I love it) and on the school bus

8.45-9.00am Load the dishwasher & put on a bundle of washing

9.00-10.00am Housework

10.00-11.00am ME TIME Go for a walk, exercise dvd, yoga

11.00am-15.00pm Fundraising Administrator Role

15.00-16.00 Admin/accounts/Filing for hubby

16.00-17.00 Homework with the boys

17.00-18.00 Dinner prep & sit down with the family

18.00-19.00 Clear up from dinner, make packed lunches, quick tidy round

19.00-19.30 Bath time & story for boys (not hubby!)

19.30 - 20.30 Any website work that needs doing & if none max 1 hour of estate agency paperwork as required

20.30 onwards ME TIME. Read a book, watch tv, paint my nails, switch off computer & enjoy

SATURDAYS
Estate Agency work when required or Family time

SUNDAYS
Estate Agency work when required or Family time

So there it is, my plan. It's still too full but it is at least all flexible. The estate agency work comes and goes dependant on the market and the admin work is flexible hours to suit but if I make this the rule then if an exception comes along there's no drama, no great backlog of work and I am at least making a concerted effort to take time out for myself.....

So here goes......wish me luck!

This is the year of ......YES

I've decided that 2010 is going to be my year of saying "YES"

YES ONE
My epiphany came at the end of 2009 when I was invited, along with mum, to join a group of ladies called the "Loose Women". They are a local group who meet regularly for dinner, dips, pamper nights etc & I was delighted to be invited to join. This was my first YES and it has brought me a tremendous amount of pleasure. The ladies are fun, friendly and have welcomed us into the group with open arms. I have found laughter and friendship (not to mention a social life!) within this group and am so pleased I said YES.

YES TWO
My second YES came in the form of a job offer. I was working, rather unhappily, at the Job Centre when the offer came in last August. I'd only just started and felt I should give it a real go but by Christmas found myself working too hard and desperately unhappy. I emailed to see if the job was still going and it was! On paper it was less hours, less money and less potential for a career however I took the plunge and started on the 4th Jan 2010 and it was the best decision I could have ever made.

I work from home so am here for the boys whenever they need me. I love my job and am learning an enthusiasm and excitement for the subject I never knew could be there. Financially it has turned out I'm earning more than I was at the job centre, simply because I don't have the travelling, the lunches to buy, the wee trips to the shops after work. AND it has led me to meet interesting, kind and thoughtful people I would never have had the opportunity to meet before. I am so grateful for the opportunity and so glad I said YES.

YES THREE
My brother and sister in law visited mum and dad over the valentines weekend and mum invited us to join them at Largs (the seaside!) on the Saturday for fish and chips. I had a sore back, I'd got piles of washing to do, the house was a mess and we had no money so I initially said no but remembring my decision to say YES I changed my mind. It was a beautiful drive up to the coast with the boys happy and giggling in the back of the car & quality time spent with my husband. The weather was beautiful and the boys played skimmers on the shore as the family walked along the promenade enjoying each others company. We had fish and chips at Nardinis and took a boat trip out to Milport, a journey that will remain with me always as one of the best days of my life. I am once again so glad that I said YES.

AND SO...
It's only February and so far 3 things I would possibly have said no to have led to wonderful experiences. I've decided that when opportunities are gifted to me someone somewhere has a plan and to say no is to turn away that gift. So who knows what this year holds in store...I do know that it will involve the word YES though!

If you were a spy ......

I've been wondering, and I'm not entirely sure why but I've learnt never to question these things - if I was a spy what kind of spy would I be.

I feel I could be French, not that I speak the lingo mind you, but as I can trace my family back to 1480 something I reckon I could pass muster. My name could be something mysterious and exciting....Coco, Isabella, Eve (pronounced Ev - again not sure why?!)

I would definately wear a beige macintosh with perhaps a jaunty red beret to match my red lipstick for which I am renowned throughout the world.

With muttered passwords of "the pigeon flies East to Birmingham" and meetings on station platforms, me holding a 2007 diary and a red carnation - the messenger/messagee carrying a financial times and a snickers, the steam from the trains engines clouding round our ankles...a lot like the movies of days gone by (and yes I am aware that those kind of trains don't really operate anymore but go with me on this).

I'm not sure what kind of messages I would be passing, nor whom I would be passing them to, but I feel they would be very important and could bring about world peace, an end to all human suffering, or merely learning what the next big thing for kids at christmas is going to be!

I've obviously been thinking about this quite a lot, anything really to get out of doing hubbies vat return, but it does beg the question if we could walk a day in someone elses shoes, who's shoes would you choose. Would you choose to be daring, exciting, talented, beautiful, arty or caring. I think I'd like to be all of these things and more.

Right where did I put that invisible ink? Ah here it ............

Crop tops and dish cloths

Following on from my Tena Lady incident I felt duty bound to share with you, dear reader, some of my other 'mishaps' from days gone by.

Cast your minds back to the 80's when day-glo orange leg warmers and leotards with pixie boots were all the rage (no, just me then!). I was training in hotel management and working in the kitchens of a very swanky hotel. I, with a regularity that Quartz would be proud of, would set fire to my chef's hat, tea towel, apron, etc etc - you sense the theme and became quite practiced at evacuating the hotel whilst awaiting the fire engine. I always rather liked a man in uniform - handy really.

This particular day I was at home, cooking, wearing a very fetching peach crop top and cut off denim shorts (nice look) and leaning over mums 4 ring electric cooker to check if the beans were done (there really was no end to my culinary talents!) set myself on fire. I say me, it was actually my top.

With the practiced speed of a seasoned pro I swept into action and yelled "fire fire fire". Mum came running and yelled "water".....at this point a normal, sensible person would go to the kitchen sink but not I - I have a greater mind than many can possibly imagine. I grabbed the damp blue jay cloth sitting on the worktop and dabbed at the flames now licking up my crop top (making it very much more cropped than originally designed) whilst uttering such classics as "ooo ooo" and "hot hot". With mutterings of "idiot" mum ran to the kitchen sink, grabbed the washing up bowl and flung the contents at me. I, seeing saucepans, plates, cutlery etc hurtling through the air ducked and turned to see my dad getting hit in the face with everything as he'd run to my rescue. Eventually the flames ran out of crop top to burn and I was left with slightly singed eyebrows, my dad recovered from his soaking and mum invested in a fire extinguisher!.